Scars
by StevexBuckyx
Summary: Stanley battles depression and Bill helps him the best he can. Stenbrough Stan/Bill TW: cutting, suicide, abuse, profanity
1. Chapter 1

Stanley sat on the closed toilet lid. He held the razor blade in one hand and had his other laid out on his thigh.

"Maybe," he said quietly to himself, "maybe they won't find me."

He pressed the blade to his scarred skin and sliced. A sharp pain shit across his arm. Blood started to drip down onto his jeans. He moved the razor higher up his arm and made another cut. He did this a few times before tears stung his eyes and seeped their way down his cheeks. That voice in the back of his head began to speak.

They don't care. Do it. Bleed out. No one will care if you're gone.

There was a bang on the bathroom door. He wasn't going to say anything until he heard a familiar stutter.

"St-st-stanley!" Bill yelled, "we've been waiting f-f-f-for ten minutes. Are y-y-you ok?"  
"Bill," he said as he began becoming dizzy.  
"Stanley?" Bill yelled a bit louder, "I'm c-c-c-coming in!"  
"Don't."

Despite his half-assed protest, the door swung open.

"Stan, oh m-m-my god," tears begun to sting his eyes.

He quickly pulled the towel off the hanger by the sink and pressed it to the cuts.

"You said y-y-you w-w-w-wouldn't do th-th-that again!"  
"I'm sorry," he choked out with a sob.  
"It's ok," Bill said softly as he used one arm to pull Stanley into a hug.

Stanley pressed his face into Bills shoulder and sobbed. He couldn't imagine what his boyfriend was going through. No matter what Bill said or did, Stanley couldn't stop himself from inflicting pain on himself. He had been fighting a battle with depression ever since that summer. It wasn't the first time this had happened. Most months he ended up in the bathroom after another failed attempt in Bills arms. He always seemed to be there.

Richie walked in to see what was taking them so long. He noticed the blood stained towel and the razor blade. He slowly backed out and went to find some bandages. He came back soon and quietly handed them to Bill. He didn't say anything before walking out and acting like he hadn't seen anything.

Bill didn't need to see to know what he was doing. He'd been in this situation quite a few times and knew how to take care of him. He slowly removed the towel and began wrapping the bandage tightly up Stanley's arm. Once he'd used all of the bandage, he tucked it in. Stanley stopped sobbing and leant back a bit. Bill put one of his hands behind his boyfriends head and dug it in his hair.

"I l-l-love you," he spoke softly with a smile.  
"I love you too," Stanley replied with his voice still a bit shaky.

Bill leant in and gave him a soft kiss. He could taste the saline on his lips.

"Do you w-w-want to wear m-m-my jumper to h-h-h-hide the bandage?"

Stanley only nodded slowly. He stood and allowed Bill to pull the jumper over his head. He quickly moved his arms into the sleeves And quietly thanked his boyfriend. Bill always wore jumpers that were slightly too big for him so it hid the blood on his jeans too. Stanley was thankful to have Bill. His parents hadn't done anything when they saw the self-harm scars. He just assumed they didn't care and he never bought it up.

Bill grabbed Stanley's hand and pulled him out the bathroom to join the rest of the losers down the hall.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm home mom!" Stanley called as he walked through the front door.

He shut it behind him and headed for the stairs. His mom emerged from the hallway and stood in front of the stairs.

"Who's jumper is that?" She asked, "is it a boys?"  
"It's Beverly's, she let me wear it because I was cold and forgot to bring one," he lied.  
"Don't lie to me Stan."  
"I'm not mom."  
"Take it off."

Stanley hesitantly started removing the jumper. When it was off, Andrea snatched it out of his hands. She glanced down at the blood stained bandage, then the blood stained jeans.

"Why is there blood on your jeans?" She raised an eyebrow as she dropped the jumper. "I cut myself while climbing a tree with Richie, that's all."  
"Take the bandage off."  
"But-" he began to protest, but was silenced by his mother yelling.  
"I said, take off the bandage!"

He unwrapped his arm and dropped the bandage to the floor.

"Show me your arm."

He turned his arm over to reveal freshly cut scars on top of old ones.

"Pathetic," she spat as he pushed him over, "why would you do that to yourself? To your perfect skin?"

He crawled backwards a bit causing his Yamaka to fall off.

"You always were a disappointment," she kicked him in the hip.  
Stanley whimpered, "mom please..."  
"Stand up," she ordered.

Stanley obliged and scrambled to his feet. She grabbed the collar of his shirt and walked him over to the wall in the living room. Tears stung his eyes and she slapped him.

"How dare you harm your body and then LIE to me about it! You're lucky enough I'm letting a faggot live under my roof. You're nothing to me," she punched him in the face twice. Once in the nose, once in the eye.

She pulled him close to her face.

"Don't ever lie to me again, you got that?

Stanley nodded vigorously knowing better than to speak.

"Get the hell out of my sight."

Andrea half threw him against the wall before returning to the hallway where she once was when Stanley arrived home. The hurt boy quickly grabbed Bills jumper and his Yamaka then headed for the stairs. Once he made it to his room, he shut the door and quietly locked it so Andrea wouldn't hear. He pressed his back against the door and slid down it. Tears fell down his cheeks as quiet sobs escaped his lips. Stanley held Bills jumper tight and buried his face in the cotton. It still smelt like his boyfriend. Soon the jacket was wet with his tears, but Stanley was nowhere done crying. He hated his life. He hated who he was, he hated his family, he hated everyone...except Bill and maybe the rest of the losers. He contemplated sneaking out to see Bill, but the Denbrough's would just tell Andrea he was out which would earn him another beating.

Eventually he moved himself to his bed and buried himself in his sheets. He still hugged the jumper and sobbed. He heard his window slide open. Stanley lifted his head to notice Bill slipping through into his room. He walked over to the best and sat down.

"H-h-h-hey Stanley," he smiled, "I didn't w-w-w-want you to be alone."

Stanley slowly pushed himself so he was sitting.

"Be quiet, mom might hear you," he said quietly.  
"Wh-wh-where is your b-b-b-bandage?"  
"Mom made me take it off then scolded me for...yeah..."

Bill noticed the bruises forming around Stanley's nose and eye.

"She d-d-d-didn't just yell, did sh-she?"  
"No," he replied bluntly, but timidly.

Bill scooted a bit closer and picked up Stanley's scarred arm. He traced every scar with his pointer finger.  
Stanley smiled at the soft touch. Yeah it hurt a bit when he went over the fresher ones, but it showed that he cared.

"It's ok, y-y-ya know," Bill smiled, "I st-st-still love you. Scars or not, I al-al-always will."  
"I don't deserve you Bill," he looked down and closed his eyes, "I don't deserve anyone."

Bill put his hand he was using to trace Stanley's scars, on his cheek where the It scars were. He leant forwards and kissed him on the forehead.

"You d-d-deserve the w-w-w-world, Stan. I'm serious."

A tear fell down Stanley's cheek.  
Bill quickly wiped it and smiled at him, despite Stanley's eyes being closed.

"I just want it to all be over," he whispered.

Bill could hear how broken he was in his voice. His smile faded into a look of sympathy and sadness.

"I just want to close my eyes and never open them again," he whispered again, but this time in a sob, "I didn't want to be here."

Bill scooted even closer and hugged him, not quite knowing what to say. Stanley squeezed him tight and let his quiet sobs become louder. Soon Stanley was exhausted from all the sobbing. He and Bill laid down. Bill held him tight, not ever wanting to let go. Stanley rested his face in the crook of Bills neck. His soft breaths against Bills skin gave Bill goosebumps.

"G-g-goodnight gorgeous," he said to him.  
"Goodnight Bill, I love you."  
"I love y-y-y-you too."

Stanley let Bills heartbeat lull him into a deep slumber.

Bill left early that morning so he could go home and get ready for school. He said goodbye to Stanley before he left and kissed him. Stanley appreciated him a lot. Although he felt that Bill deserved better than him, he was still grateful. Stanley put on some black jeans, a button up light blue shirt and chucked Bills jumper on over the top. He stood in the bathroom combing his hair so he could put his yamaka on when he heard the door creek open. He took off Bills jumper threw it out of sight before the door was fully open.

"Morning," it was his dad.  
"Hey," he said, continuing to comb his hair. "Stan," his dad sounded genuinely worried, "what'd you do to your arm?"  
"Nothing," he huffed, "doesn't matter."

Donald walked over to him and told the comb out of his hand. He softly placed it on the sink.

"Can I look?" he asked in a small voice.  
"Sure," he lifted his arm towards his dad so he could see the scars clearly.  
"Oh Stan," he pulled him into a hug, "you know you can talk to me, right?"  
"I know, it's just mom she-"  
"I know what she does, don't worry, I'm going to make it right."

He stepped backwards and kissed Stanley's temple.

"I'll see you after school."

Donald walked out the bathroom and Stanley resumed to combing his hair. Once he was satisfied, he put on his yamaka, Bills jumper and headed downstairs. He made sure to avoid Andrea as he got food out the cupboard for lunch. He shoved it in his backpack and ran out the door before his mom could catch him.

His soft curls bounced off his forehead as he rode his bike down his street as fast as he could go. Once he made it to the corner of his street he slowed down knowing his mom couldn't see him now. He made it to school and saw Bill, Mike (he'd transferred to Derry High), Beverly, Eddie and Ben waiting for him. Richie was usually late so it didn't really stand out to him that he wasn't there. He took his bike over to the rack and locked it up before joining the group.

"Hey guys," he smiled softly.  
"Morning Stanny," Beverly beamed.

He greeted all of them with a hug. When Mike asked about the bruising in his nose and eye, he shrugged it off and said he fell off his bike. No one believed him, but they didn't want to press any further. The bell went and they all headed inside. During math, he'd gotten a bit hot so he rolled up his sleeves forgetting the cuts were there. Eddie who was sitting to the right of him noticed the cuts on his left arm.

"Stan," he hissed, "what's that on your arm?" He asked knowing full well what it was.  
"Shit," Stanley quickly pulled his sleeve down, "it's nothing."  
"It didn't look like nothing."  
"I said it's nothing!" He slightly raised his voice.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"Just drop it," he said going back to a whisper.  



	3. Chapter 3

"Staniel!" Richie called during lunch, "where are you going?"

Stanley stopped and turned back to Richie.

"I don't have any classes after this so I was just gonna go home."

"I wanted to talk to you about something," Richie gave a lopsided smile.

"Ok, what's up?"

"No, not here. Follow me."

Richie led Stanley outside and around the back of the school.

"So, what's up Rich?"

"Well on Sunday," Richie paused as if he'd forgotten what to say, "I...I walked in on you and Bill in the bathroom."

"Oh," he looked to the ground.

"I saw it all, I gave Bill the bandages."

"Sorry you had to see that," he said in a very quiet voice, but not a whisper.

"If there's anything wrong, you can talk to me. Although I may not seem like it, I'm a good listener. I care about you Stan."

"Th-thanks Rich," he looked up and saw Richie smiling at him.

"I have the same secret."

"What?"

Richie hesitantly reached for his sleeve. He shook his head slightly and sighed before pushing his sleeve up to reveal some faded self-harm scars.

"Richie," Stanley immediately grabbed his arm, "when was this?"

"That summer," he said quietly, "with It."

"He have the same effects on you?"

"If by effects you mean crippling depression, then yeah."

Stanley realised he was still holding Richies arm and let go. He reached for his own sleeve and showed Richie. His arm was a lot worse. More cuts. Cuts on top of cuts. There were many newer ones.

"Holy shit," Richie adjusted his glasses.

"Yeah," Stanley pulled his sleeve down quickly before Richie could inspect any further.

Richie stepped forwards and hugged the taller man. Stanley hugged him back and rested his head down on top of Richies. After a minute or so Richie stepped backwards.

"Thank you," Stanley said in almost a whisper.

"I'm here for you, always. You don't need to thank me."

"Ok," he said softly with a smile.

Stanley laughed as he slung an arm around Richies shoulders. They began to walk back to the school.

"You know trashmouth, you're not that bad after all," he joked.

"Oh you wound me Staniel," he joked back dramatically grabbing his chest.

Stanley laughed at his joke. He took his arm away from Richies shoulders when they could be seen. Wouldn't want any of the bullies to see them quote on quote "being gay."

They walked in the building as the bell signalling the end of lunch went.

"Guess this is where we shall part Stan the man," he said putting on a bad posh british accent.

"I guess it is," Stanley replicated his voice, "I shall see you tomorrow."

"You shall."

"Ha, see ya Rich," he smiled.

"Bye Staniel," he smiled back.

Stanley headed for the front exit as Richie rushed off to his next class that he'd still probably be late to. Stanley unlocked his bike, stuffed the lock and key in his bag then pedalled away as fast as he could. When he made it home, he tried to enter as quietly as he could because he heard his parents arguing.

"HOW DARE YOU ASK FOR A DIVORCE OVER THAT, IT'S ABSOLUTELY OUTRAGEOUS," Andrea screeched.

"He's our son," Donald replied in a calm tone, "he deserves to be treated kindly."

"DO YOU NOT REMEMBER HIS BAR MITZVAH?"

"Of course I remember, but that doesn't have anything to do with this. He's obviously hurting and you throwing him around isn't helping."

"FINE, WE'LL GET A DIVORCE, BUT YOU ARE TAKING HIM."

"That's what I wanted anyway."

Stanley heard Donald start walking towards him. He ran as quietly as he could up the stairs. He shut his bedroom door almost silently, making sure he wasn't heard. He sat on his bed.

They're getting a divorce over me? he thought Am I really worth that?

He got up from his bed and went over to his bookshelf. He took his copy of Pet Sematary off the shelf and brought it over to his bed. It was his favourite book. As Stanley opened the it, his door creaked open. Donald looked at Stanley wide eyed.

"I didn't realise you were home," he said softly.

"I had no classes after lunch so I decided to come home."

"How much of that did you hear?"

"Only the last bit."

Donald walked over to him and sat next to him. Stanley removed the book from his lap and placed it next to him.

"I love you son. No matter who you love. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I am so sorry I let all this go on for so long."

"It's ok."

"No it's not. I'm going to take you to a therapist."

"What? Why?"

"The thought of you hurting yourself hurts. I don't want you to put yourself through that. Maybe they can prescribe you some medication."

Stanley didn't answer. He looked down at his knees.

"Who's jumper is this," his voice sounded a little bit more cheery, "does somebody have a boyfriend?"

"It's Bills," he confessed, looking up at his dad, "don't tell mom."

"I won't. Is he cute?"

"Dad you literally know him."

"The Denbrough boy?"

"Yeah."

"Really? I didn't know he played for the same team!"

Donald slung his arm over Stanley's shoulders and smiled.

"Dad, I Iove you, thanks for helping me, really."

"Love you too Stan, it's really no problem."

He kissed him on the temple before leaving the room. Once he was gone, he felt a sudden surge of sadness rush over him. That voice was back.

_He doesn't really love you. He just has to say that._

"No," he said out loud, "he does."

_Do the world a favour. End it_.

"No!"

_You know you want to_.

"STOP!" he finally yelled, gripping the sides of his hair.

Once he realised he'd yelled he immediately covered his mouth.

"Shit shit shit shit shit," he said over and over again, "fuck shit fuck shit fuck "

Andrea burst in. Stanley was taken back on how she'd gotten there so fast.

"You little shitbag," she whispered before yelling, "GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"What?"

"YOU HEARD ME!"

"You're kicking me out?" his voice was weak and shaky.

"GET OUT!"

Stanley didn't even grab anything to take with him. He just ran out the room behind Andrea. His dad tried to stop him, but he only failed. Lucky, he hadn't slipped off his shoes when he got home or he'd be running barefoot. He went to the only place he felt safe. The Denbrough's. Bills parents had accepted Bill when e came out. They still had a lot to learn, but were trying to be supportive of his son the best they could.

Stanley hadn't even noticed it was raining until he stopped to take a breath.

"Great," he said to himself, "just great."

He hugged himself and shivered. Tears fell down his cheeks, but it was hardly noticeable with all the rain dripping off his hair and down his face.

He made it to the Denbrough's and knocked erratically on the door. Sharon opened it to find Stanley standing there absolutely soaked with bloodshot eyes. He didn't even have to say anything for Sharon to welcome him inside.

"Bill! Come down here sweetie!" Sharon called.

Stanley heard Bills door open. A few seconds later he appeared at the bottom of the stairs.

"H-h-holy shit."

Bill ran over to him and hugged Stanley, completely ignoring the fact he was soaked. That's when Stanley couldn't hold it in much longer. He let a sob escape his lips as he pressed his face into Bills shoulder. Bill put one hand behind Stanley's head and dug his fingers in his wet curls. Stanley didn't even have to say anything to realise what happened.

"It's ok," he whispered, "she can't g-g-g-get you here."

After Stanley's sobs began to die out, Sharon told Bill to take him upstairs, let him shower and give him some clean clothes. Bill didn't want Stanley to be alone in the bathroom, so he showered with him. Nothing happened except for soft kisses and 'I love yous.' They got dry and changed after the shower. Bill rubbed a towel over Stanley's head, jokingly attempting to dry his hair. Stanley laughed at this and did the same to his boyfriend.

When they were satisfied with each other's hair they ran towards the door.

"Wait, Bill."

"Hmm?" He turned to face Stanley.

He turned over his arm to reveal the cuts.

"Oh yeah, r-r-right."

Bill quickly dug through his draw and pulled out a jacket. Stanley slipped it on and smiled softly.

"Thank you."

Bill put a hand on Stanleys cheek. He leant in and kissed him softly. The kiss lasted a few seconds before they both pulled away. They decided to head downstairs to greet Sharon again. When Sharon asked what happened, he told her everything, except the part about the voice and him yelling to silence it.

"You're always welcome here Stan," Sharon smiled.

"Thanks Mrs Denbrough," he smiled back.

"Please, call me Sharon. We'll be family soon anyway," she winked.

"Mooooom," Bill whined in embarrassment as he put his face in his hand.

Stanley did that sort of laugh where he blew air out his nose and smiled.

"Thanks Sharon."

"Who's hungry?" Zack asked from the kitchen.

"Me!" everyone answered in unison which made a loud giggle emerge from the room.

Stanley wished his home life was like this. How had he gotten it so bad?


	4. Chapter 4

**(A/N) In this fic they're 17-18. 17 is the age of consent where I live. If you don't like it they can be imagined as older.**

* * *

Bills eyes flicked open to see Stanley curled up by his right side side. He felt his soft, warm breaths against his skin and smiled to himself. Stanley's left arm was draped across Bills bare stomach. He could feel the outlines of his self-harm scars softly resting on him. The thought of it made him sad. He was sad he couldn't help Stanley. As much as he wanted to, he didn't know how to even confront him about it without hurting him too much or pushing him away. Bill looked over at his clock to see how much longer they could lay in bed before having to get up to school. 11:28am.

"Shit," he breathed in a panic.

He really didn't want to wake Stanley, but he was scared Sharon would get mad if they missed school.

Bill sighed and started to run his fingers along Stanley's back, hoping the small touch would wake him. It surprisingly worked. He felt Stanley's eyelashes flutter against his chest. They slightly ticked him, but he didn't react.

"Good m-m-m-morning Stan," he said in a calm croaky voice.  
"Good morning," he whispered hoarsely before closing his eyes trying to get back to sleep.  
"Not t-t-to alarm you or a-a-a-anything, but it's el-eleven thirty."  
"What?" Stanley exclaimed pushing himself up.  
"We n-n-need to get ready, like asap. We're al-al-already late."  
"No shit sherlock!" Stanley exclaimed as he rolled off the bet.

The pair quickly ran over to Bills drawers and got changed. Stanley wore some clothes Bill leant him. Yeah it wasn't his style, but at least it was something. He borrowed a pair of dark blue skinny jeans, a 'the clash' shirt and a dark green hoodie. He quickly kissed Bill before they ran downstairs to get something to eat before heading off.

"Where are you boys off to in such a rush?" Sharon asked with a smile plastered on her face.  
"School," Bill quickly replied.

Zack and Sharon began to laugh.

"You guys think we would've let you sleep in if we wanted you to go to school?" Zack raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, you guys can have the day off," Sharon smiled.  
"Dude, you woke me up for no reason," Stanley complained, but with a smile.  
"Y-y-y-you think I wanted to w-w-wake you? You're al-al-always stroppy in th-th-the mornings."  
"I am not!"  
"Oh yes y-y-you are!"

Bill ran upstairs, away from them.

"Oh don't you run away from me!" Stanley called chasing behind him.

Bill erupted into laughter, but didn't stop running. When they were out of sight and could only be heard Sharon and Zack laughed again.

"Young love," they said in unison.

Upstairs, Stanley had caught up to Bill. They were in the hallway when Bill quickly turned and grabbed Stanley by the part of his jumper where the collar of his shirt would be and pushed him against the wall. Stanley pushed forwards and spun them around so Bill was the one caught.

Bill used the fact that he still had a hold of his jumper to pull Stanley closer.

"I love y-y-you so much," Bill whispered before leaning in and kissing him softly.

Stanley kissed him back instantly. Their lips moved together rhythmically as Stanley moved his hands from the wall beside Bill down to his thighs. He grabbed them and Bill jumped slightly allowing Stanley to lift him. Bill wrapped his legs around Stanley's waist. Bill pulled away a bit for some air.

"I love you so much more," Stanley replied to what Bill had said earlier? "you're fucking perfect."

And with that, Bills lips came crashing back down onto Stanley's, this time more passionate.

"Hold," Stanley spoke through the kisses, "on, to, me."

Bill obliged and wrapped his arms around Stanley's neck so he was holding on. With their lips still locked, Stanley pulled him away from the wall and carried him to the bedroom. Bill was surprisingly light, but in the moment he didn't care.

Stanley laid Bill down on the bed and the man removed his legs from his boyfriends waist. He moved his hands to cup Stanley's cheeks. He accidentally pulled Stanley over and he fell on top of him. Their lips broke apart and the pair broke into laughter. Stanley rolled off him, still laughing.

"Good one dumbass," Stanley turned his head over and smiled at Bill who was still laughing next to him.  
"Oh sh-sh-shut up," he rolled his eyes.

A few more laughs escaped both of their lips before it died down into silence. Bill broke it, not being able to hold the question back anymore.

"Stan."  
"Yeah?"  
"Wh-wh-what's it like?"  
"What's what like?"

Bill wasn't quite sure what to say. Yeah he wasn't expecting Stanley to know what he meant, but he'd never actually pictured them having this conversation. He sat up and Stanley copied.

Stanley furrowed his eyebrows. He knew exactly was Bill was asking. He always knew Bill was curious, but he never asked because he was scared of upsetting him, in fact he was kind of waiting for him to ask.

"H-h-having depression, you don't have to answer, I just don't kn-kn-know what it's like. S-s-s-sorry for being blunt, I-"  
"It's ok Bill," he gave him a soft smile.

When Bill didn't reply he knew he was listening.

"It's strange, I guess. Sometimes my mood will just change involuntarily. Sometimes I zone out. I have this voice in the back of my head that's always telling me to do bad things to myself, it's not even my voice, just...I don't know. I guess the worst thing is just my brain randomly telling me to end it."  
"B-b-but why the c-c-c-cutting?" he asked innocently.  
"I guess it just helps when I feel the same way on the outside as I do inside. It doesn't ease the pain, it's just better if I do it to myself than to others, if that even makes sense."

Bill gave him a sad look and help his boyfriends hands. He knew it couldn't of been easy for him to open up about it, but he was proud of him for finally doing so.

"C-c-can you tell me m-m-m-more about the voice?"  
"Yeah, I guess. It only really became a thing after that summer where we fought It. It's almost as if It's teeth left a imprint on me. It's almost as it it's his voice."

Bill took one hand away from Stanley's hands and moved it to his cheeks where he had the scars from It.

"N-n-n-nothing has scared me more than when we f-f-f-found you in the sewers. Y-y-y-you didn't deserve th-that."  
"It was my fault though. I still haven't told you what actually happened."  
"You h-h-heard Bev and went looking f-f-for her."  
"That's not all of it. Yeah that's originally why I split up from you guys, but it's not how It caught up to me. He...he made himself sound like you," he blinked and a tear fell down his cheek, he hasn't even realised he was tearing up, "I ran looking for you thinking he was going to hurt you. He walked around the corner looking like you, I ran over and hugged you...then," a sob escaped his lips.  
"It's o-o-ok, you don't have to c-c-continue."  
"Then," he carried on, ignoring Bills comment, "he kissed me and when I kissed back he pulled away and his face morphed into that woman and then he tackled me. I couldn't move and before I knew it, his teeth were in my face. I accepted the fact I was gonna die...then you guys came in."  
"Stan," Bill whispered starting to sob, "I can't i-i-imagine what that would've b-b-been like."  
"It was terrible, but I can't imagine what it would've been like for you, having to see him tear the form of Georgie. At least I didn't have to kill the version of you like you had to with Georgie."  
"Yeah," he muttered.

Bill wiped a tear falling from his boyfriends cheek. He leant forwards and locked their lips again. Stanley hesitantly kissed back. Their lips parted, but their foreheads didn't.

"I'm n-n-never leaving y-y-you."  
"You better not," Stanley smiled before locking their lips again.


	5. Chapter 5

**(A/N) Sorry this chapter is kind of a filler, but I hope you like it!**

* * *

It was 4:30 and school for the rest of the losers had finished and hour and a half ago. Stanley and Bill were expecting them to show up and have a go at them for not going to school, but when someone came to the door it wasn't who they were expecting.

When they heard a knock, Bill ran down the stairs. He opened the door to find Donald Uris standing there. Stanley stayed at the top of the stairs and peaked down. He didn't make any noise so he was sure he wouldn't be seen.

"Hey Bill," Donald smiled "is Stanley here?"

Bill glanced back at Stanley and he was already coming down the stairs.

"Hey dad."  
"Stan, we have a court hearing next week."  
"What?"  
"It's for custody, of you."

Stanley looked to the ground. He felt tears sting his eyes. He squeezed them shut trying to repress the tears, but this only caused them to seep out of the corners.

"Don't let her take me," he looked up and spoke weakly, "please."

Bill shot Stanley a worried look. He slowly laced their hands. When Stanley looked up at him, Bill smiled. He gave him a 'thank you' smile back before turning his attention back to his dad.

"I won't. I promise," Donald's eyebrows furrowed, "what happened to your eye?"  
Stanley reached up and touched the bruise forming, "oh...mom."  
"W-w-w-would you like to c-c-come in Mr Uris?" Bill felt the tension in the air and changed the subject.  
"Oh-"

Before Donald could protest, Sharon walked around the corner.

"Bill, Stanley, could you guys please go upstairs?" She smiled.  
"Okay m-m-mom."

Bill pulled Stanley away and they ran up the stairs. The pair could hear Sharon yelling about Stanley's well-being.

"I'm s-s-sorry."  
"What for?"  
"M-my mom."

Stanley laughed and and placed both of his hands on Bill's shoulders.

"There's nothing you have to apologise for."

He moved his hands up to Bill's jawline and smiled. His fingers were softly laced behind Bill's neck. He slowly rubbed his right thumb against the hair in front of Bill's ear. Bill smiled and leant into his hand.

"I love you," Bill managed without stuttering.  
"I love you," Stanley's smile grew bigger, "so much more than you could ever know."

They both leant in and their eyes both flicked shut. They bumped noses and Stanley let out a small chuckle, before locking their lips. Their kiss was slow and rhythmic. Stanley dug his fingers into Bill's hair. Bill parted his lips slightly allowing Stanley to kiss him deeper. Stanley started walking forwards and pushed Bill against the wall. He moved his hands from behind Bill's head to his chest. Bill took this opportunity and moved his hands between Stanley's arms. He placed them on the lower part of his cheeks and held him softly.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. Stanley stepped away so fast he tripped over causing Bill to erupt into laughter. The door opened and to reveal Sharon and Donald.

"You guys okay in here?" Donald was smirking.  
"Yeah dad," Stanley said as he stood up.

Sharon winked at Bill when she noticed their swollen lips. Bill flushed a bright red.

"Anyway," Sharon began, "Beverly and Mike are downstairs wondering if you guys wanna go to a party with them."

Bill looked at Stanley and he nodded.

"S-s-sure yeah. We'll be d-d-downstairs in a m-m-minute."

* * *

**(A/N) There will be 3 or 4 more chapters. I've written the outline for three of them and know briefly what I want for the fourth one. I'll try get them out as soon as I can. Thank you for supporting this story! If there's anything you want me to include please let me know! :)**


	6. Chapter 6

Warning: drinking, abuse, homophobic slurs, fighting and suicidal thoughts.

* * *

The four teens got out of Beverly's car. There were many people from their school scattered across the front lawn. Some were shirtless, some where making out and some where blacked out drunk. They walked inside and the smell of alcohol hit them like a truck.

"Holy shit," escaped from Stanley's lips, "that's strong."  
"M-m-meet me in the b-b-backyard, I'm g-g-gonna go to the b-ba-bathroom."  
"Alright," he smiled at Bill before his boyfriend disappeared into the crowd.

Stanley walked with Mike into the backyard. They grabbed two drinks from the table outside. Beverly had long disappeared and was probably with all the drunk crying girls. The two boys sat on some deck chairs by the pool. They both downed their drinks. Stanley didn't usually drink, but god did he miss the feeling. He got up to get another drink.

"Hey fag!"

Stanley would recognise that voice anywhere. The whole backyard had gone silent and was staring at Stanley. He turned to look at Henry.

"What are you doing here? No one likes you, you gay fuck."  
"Fuck off Bowers," Stanley rolled his eyes.  
"Shouldn't you be in the bathroom slitting your wrists?"

Mike had left to try and find Bill or Beverly.

"Take your jumper off bird boy."  
"And why would I do that?"  
"Show everyone your cuts you suicidal fuck."  
"Fuck you dude."

That seemed to be the tipping point for Henry. He lunged forwards and gripped Stanley's shirt. He slammed the poor boy down onto the grass.

"Fuck," escaped Stanley's lips.

Henry pounded into his face repeatedly. Stanley tried to bring his hands up to protect his face, but Henry just used his foot to pin them down. He cried out in pain and begged Henry to stop, which he didn't.

"Fucking faggot!"

Stanley could smell the alcohol in his breath. Mike came running back with Beverly and together they managed to pull Henry off of Stanley. Beverly, who hadn't drunk anything yet, helped him up and took him to her car. Mike went to find Bill.

He sat in the passenger seat across from Beverly. He rested his head back against the seat and squeezed his eyes shut. Warm tears trickled down his cheeks as he held in a sob.

"Come here, Stanny," Beverly whispered softly as she pulled him into a weird hug.

Despite them being in an awkward position, Stanley buried his face in her shoulder. When he couldn't hold it in anymore, a sob escaped his lips. That sob was followed by many more. Beverlys' jacket was wet with his tears, but she didn't mean to mind. She just rubbed his back and whispered 'it's okay' every now and again.

"You can go back inside," he sniffed as he pulled away from the embrace, "have fun. It is a party."  
"But-"  
"I can get myself home. It's okay," he smiled weakly.  
"Stanny, I'm not letting you go home by yourself," she hesitated before her next few words, "is it true?"  
"Is what true?"  
"What Henry said."

She looked at him eagerly with worried eyes. He glanced down at his arm which were covered with fabric for a second. He looked up and made eye contact with his friend.

"You don't have to tell-"  
"Yes."  
"Yes?".  
"It's true."

Stanley fumbled and reached for the sleeve of Bills jumper. He pulled up his sleeve to reveal the cuts. No new ones since Bill had found him in the bathroom a mere 4 days earlier.

"Shit," Beverly accidentally blurted out.  
"I've also tried," he said in a small voice as he pushed his sleeve back down.  
"Tried?"

Beverly searched for an answer in Stanley's eyes. The hurt and pain that he stop shielding swirled in his eyes. He blinked and a tear rolled down his cheek. They'd when she realised what he meant.

"Oh."

Stanley's breath hitched as he wiped a few more tears that had escaped from his eyes.

"Is there anything else you want to tell me, Stanny?"

Her voice was soft and understanding, almost as if she'd been through the same as him. As if she'd tried before.

"My parents, they're getting d-d-divorced because my dad caught mom h-h-hitting me."  
"Is that was the black eye was from?"  
"Yeah," he muttered softly.  
"If I take you home, will your mom be there?"  
"Yeah."  
"Where have you been staying?"  
"Yesterday, mom kicked me out so I went to Bill's."  
"I'm taking you there."  
"You don't have to, I can walk."  
"No, I'm not letting you go alone, how many times am I going to have to say it?"  
"Fine," he gave in.

Not that Stanley would admit it, his face hurt really bad. Every inch of it stung. He could feel every bruise and cut that were forming. He wanted to scream. Scream until his voice hurt. Scream until he had no voice. Scream until he was too tired to stay awake any longer.

_Where's Bill? That voice spoke._

He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to ignore it.

_Does he not care?_

"He just went to the bathroom," he mumbled.  
"What's that?"  
"Nothing, just talking to myself."

_He doesn't care about you._

"He does," he said so quiet it was almost inaudible.

_What are you going to tell Sharon? Tell her that you got beaten for being a faggot and Bill wasn't there to help?_

"Stop," he said louder than he intended.  
"The car?"

_Tell her that her son let you get beaten?_

"Stop," he half shouted.

Beverly pulled over to the side of the road. Stanley brought his heads up to his head. He gripped his hair tightly. He squeezed his eyes harder than he was before,

_Bill doesn't care. Either does Sharon. You're worthless._

"Stop!" He yelled.  
"Stan?"

Stanley broke down for the third time during the car ride. He moved his hands from his hair to his face. He out his elbows on his eyes and sobbed. Beverly put a hand on Stanley's shoulder and rubbed it softly, but reassuringly.

Beverly dropped Stanley off at Bill's house. He gave her a friendly kiss goodbye and headed towards the door. When she drove off and was out of sight, he headed towards his own house. He hoped his mom wasn't home, but hope is never enough for Stanley obviously.

He rested his head on his front door. He heard the angry screams and yells of his parents. Things were smashing.

"This is my fault," he said to himself softly, "if I just did it then maybe they'd still be happy."

He pushed the door open slowly, making sure to make no sound. He did the same as he closed it. Stanley then darted for the familiar stairs, but not quick enough.

"What the fuck are you doing back?" Andrea spat, turning her attention back to a Donald.  
"I..." he tried to conjure up an excuse, but in fact, he didn't have one. He was lost for words.  
"Get over here, fag."

Stanley clenched the bottom of Bill's jumpers sleeves. He slowly walked towards his mother. Donald shook his head, but Stanley knew he couldn't disobey Andrea.

"Some other person best you for being a fag?" She asked with a vile smile as she scanned the new bruises on his face.  
"Yes mom," his voice was shaky.  
"Don't call me that. You're not my son."

Stanley looked down at his feet and clenched the jumper harder.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you."  
"Andrea-"  
"Shut the fuck up Donald."

Andrea stepped forwards and shoved Stanley as hard as she could. He stumbled backwards and fell on the coffee table. It broke under his weight and he cried out in pain.

"Andrea! Stop!" Donald pleaded.

She didn't listen. Instead she bent down and grabbed Stanley's jumper. She picked him up slightly and slammed him back down onto the broken coffee table, earning another cry. She took one hand off his jumper and punched him square in the nose, ultimately breaking it. Sharp pain covered Stanley's whole back and face. Blood fell from his nose and he pushed himself up to sit. Andrea didn't like this and slammed him back down.

"Did I tell you to get up?"  
"Andrea!"

Donald grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back of her son. He began scolding her. Stanley pushed himself to his feet and sprinted for the stairs. He closed his old bedroom door behind him then pushed his back against it. A sob escaped his lips as warm tears began to trickle down his cheeks. He buried his face in his knees and just sobbed. The fourth breakdown of the evening. Everything hurt. His back, his arms, legs, nose, face, neck, feet, everything. All the tears he'd managed to suppress for the last few hours were all coming down his face.

_Do it._

The voice. Stanley lifted his head and looked over to his desk. Anti-depressants were sitting there clear as day. Had his dad got them for him? He would've normally been curious about the bottle, but in this moment he wasn't. His eyes then wandered from the bottle to a pen and a set of paper placed neatly in the top left hand corner of his desk.

_Do it._

The voice again.

"Do what?" He sobbed out.

He rested his head against the door behind him. Instead of fighting the voice he decided to respond. He was in too much physical, mental and emotional pain to attempt.

_Write one last letter to Bill. Then end it you worthless fag._  
"What?"  
_You heard me._

Stanley stood and walked over to his desk. He sat down and grabbed a pen and piece of paper with a shaky hand. He began to write.

* * *

"M-m-Mike? What d-d-do you m-m-mean Stanley left?"  
"Beverly took him back to yours. Something happened with Henry."  
Bill stared at Mike wide-eyed, "something? Wh-wh-what's something?"

Mike explained exactly what happened.

"Shit," Bill exclaimed, "I have t-t-to go s-s-see him.  
"I'm sure he'll be fine-"  
"No y-y-you don't understand."

Bill pushed past Mike and tried to manoeuvre his way through the crowded home.

* * *

Stanley snuck out and rode his bike to Bill's. He had a letter in his jacket pocket. A letter for Bill. He snuck into his boyfriends house and placed it on Bill's bed. He quickly left and got on his bike. He felt bad. He loved Bill, but he knew Bill deserved better.


	7. Chapter 7

Bill didn't find Stanley when he arrived home. Instead he found a letter.

Dear Bill,

I'm sorry. Thank you for loving me when no one else would. Thank you for always being my shoulder to lean on. Thank you for being you. I love you so much and I am so sorry for doing what I'm about to do. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, but I can't take it anymore. I love you more than anything in the entire world and I hope you get over me fast and find someone else to make you happy. You deserve someone who isn't broken. Goodbye, Bill.

Love, Stanley.

"Fuck, shit, fuck shit, fuck, shit," he repeated over and over again.

He sprinted downstairs, still clutching the letter in his hand.

"Where are you going?" Zack asked.  
"Stanley's h-h-h-house, call the a-a-a-ambulance!"

Before Zack could answer, Bill darted out the door. He didn't even grab his bike. He just sprinted all the way to Stanley's house.

* * *

Stanley sat on his bed, pills clutched in hand. He threw his head back and put then all in his mouth. He swallowed some water so they'd go down easier. After a few minutes it started kicking in. He got hot and started sweating. He was breathing heavily, his heart was beating fast and he was pacing around his room. After about ten minutes, Stanley was sat in the corner of his room with his hands dug into his curls which were soaked in sweat.

"I'm sorry Bill," he whispered.

He became dizzy. Stanley closed his eyes and rested his head against the wall. That's when he heard it, the banging and yelling. His voice. Bill's. He was always there.

"Where do you think you're going?" Andrea asked shoving Bill back outside of the house.  
"MOVE, FUCKING MOVE!"  
"Excuse me young man!"  
"OH MY GOD PLEASE FUCKING MOVE!"  
"Now why would I let you in?"  
"STANLEYS FUCKING KILLED HIMSELF, MOVE!" He screamed as he shoved the letter into Andreas stomach.

When she looked down, he ran past her and up the stairs.

"STANLEY!" he yelled.

He tried to open Stanley's door, but it was locked. He turned the handle and banged on the door frantically.

"STANLEY, I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD OPEN THIS DOOR! STANLEY! PLEASE, LET ME IN. DONT DO THIS, COME ON!" his voice got softer as he placed his head against the door and sobbed, "please Stan, open the door. Open the fucking door!"

Bill grabbed a faux flower out the vase behind him and shoved it in the lock. He jimmied it around until it he heard it break. He kicked the door open and ran inside.

"STANLEY!" He called as he turned to see him in the corner.

Bill knelt down next to him. Stanley placed a hand on Bill's cheek and smiled.

"Bill, I love you so much," he said weakly, "more than you could ever know."

Despite being in almost unbearable pain, he managed a soft smile. Stanley's arm dropped as his head smacked against the wall behind him.

"Stanley come on, don't do this. Wake up...please."

He checked his pulse. It was so slow and soft he almost couldn't feel it. He lifted his eyelids to find his pupils were completely dilated and they were bloodshot.

"HELP! SOMEONE HELP!" he yelled, "ANDREA, DONALD, CALL THE AMBULANCE!"

Bill placed a hand on Stanley's cheek and rubbed Stanley's temple, like he used to when Stan was upset. He leant forwards and kissed him on the forehead. He then pulled Stanley into a tight hug. Bill was silently praying that his was all some sick prank and he'd just hug him back, but deep down he knew it wasn't. He sobbed into his boyfriends shoulder profusely, not even realising Stanley's parents were in the room.

"I love you," he whispered through a sob, "I love you so much, please don't leave me...please."

A sob escaped Donald's lips. He bent down next to the two boys and put a hand on Bill's back. He pulled back and Donald hugged Stanley himself. Bill turned around to see Andrea was crying while clutching the letter.

"This is y-y-y-your fucking f-f-fault," Bill cried as he ran out of the room to where the phone was.

* * *

Bill sat anxiously in the family room with Andrea, Donald, Sharon and Zack. He was curled up in a ball on the chair and sobbing into his knees. Sharon and Zack had tried their best to comfort him, but it didn't help.

"Hey, I'm nurse Williams" a nurse smiled as she came in and sat down across from the five, "I'm sorry, but I have no good news."

Bill lifted his head and made eye contact with Donald. Donald looked back at the nurse almost immediately.

"He is alive, I guess that's good news, but he's in a coma. He's currently on life support, but his chances of surviving are very low. The choice is up to you guys. I'll leave you alone to think."

She smiled sadly as she got up and left. Bill buried his face back in his knees, but this time he let out an audible sob. Sharon and Zack hugged him as Donald and Andrea whispered furiously. After what seemed like forever, they came to an agreement. Neither of them said anything else. They sat in silence. Donald squeezed his eyes shut and a tear rolled down his cheek.

"C-c-can I s-s-see hi-him?"

Everyone looked at Bill. It was the first thing he'd said since the paramedics arrived.

"Bill, we...we can't keep him on life support," Donald said quietly, "there's not a good chance of him even surviving and I don't want to give anyone false hope. Especially you."

Bill's heart dropped and shattered. It took everything in him to hold in a sob. He took a deep shaky breath before answering.

"I want to see him," he managed to choke out without stuttering.  
"Bill..." Sharon tried to protest, but she couldn't find the right words.  
"And I want to be there," a tear fell down his cheek, "when he goes."  
"Only if you're 100% sure," Donald agreed, "I know how much you meant to him."

Later that day, Donald and Bill sat by Stanley's hospital bed. Andrea didn't want to be there. Zack and Sharon waited in the car for Bill to come out. They weren't too happy with him staying, but they knew it was what he needed.

Stanley was breathing slowly. His hand was limp and definitely wasn't holding Bills back. It was only them in the room as nurse Williams had let them say their goodbyes.

"Stanley, I am s-s-so sorry I w-w-wasn't there f-f-for you," he was crying, "I sh-sh-should've g-g-gotten home s-s-sooner. If I d-d-didn't stay at that f-f-fuck-fucking party than m-m-maybe I would've seen y-y-your note sooner and I w-wouldn't be having t-t-to let y-y-you go. I know y-y-you can't h-h-hear me, but I love you so much...more than you could ever know."

Bill stood and wiped some of Stanley's curls off his forehead. He softly pressed his lips on his forehead. When he sat back down, Donald put a hand on his shoulder.

"I would tell you it's going to be okay, but I'm not sure it is going to be. We'll get through it though."  
"Yeah."

Nurse Williams came in. Donald nodded at her. She silently walked over to the machines and turned them all off except for the heart monitor. Bill rested his head softly on Stanley's chest. He listened to his breaths become softer and slower. When his chest didn't rise and the monitor let out a long beep, he broke down again. He sobbed loudly into Stanley's hospital gown.

"I love you so much," he whispered as he squeezed Stanley's hand tighter, "I'm sorry I let this happen."

* * *

(A/N) This fic isn't over yet! Also sorry oops.


	8. Chapter 8

**(A/N): I know this band isn't from the 80s and 90s, I just believe that their songs fit with the story. Also, this was sorta rushed as I wrote it while waiting for a bus after the bus I was on broke down. Hope you enjoy! ;)**

* * *

Bill had never really been a fan of Rascal Flatts. That was until he lost the love of his life and all their songs started making sense. He recently purchased one of their new tapes and had it on repeat.

It had been four days since he lost Stanley. Leaving the hospital was probably the hardest thing he ever had to do. Bill laid on his back in his bed thinking about the last time he'd seen Stanley.

_"Bill, we have to go," Donald sniffed._

_Bill was still holding his boyfriend._

_"I c-c-can't."_  
_"Come on," his voice was soft and comforting, "I have to get you home."_

_Sharon and Zack were now watching through the glass. Bill had been taking too long and they were worried so they came to investigate. All they found if Bill sobbing into Stanley's lifeless chest. Nurse Williams let them in the room._

_"Bill," Sharon soothed, "come on honey, we have to go."_  
_"I don't want to."_

_Sharon rubbed her and on his shoulder and Bill lifted his head. He moved both of his hands to Stanley's. He slowly turned it around so his palm was facing up. He began to trace the scare from their pact softly._

_"He loved you, Bill," Zack spoke up, "more than anything."_  
_"And you love him back. You know what they always say, if you love someone you have to let them go."_  
_"Mom, I can't."_  
_"Bill?" Nurse Williams spoke up, "I'm really sorry, but we have to move him to the mortuary."_  
_"Come on, sweetie," Sharon said softly._

_Bill stood and looked down at Stanley. He took a shaky hand from his late-boyfriend and rested it on the mans cheek. He then moved his hand to Stanley's forehead and wiped the curls off it. Bill leant down and placed a soft kiss on his forehead. He then pressed his forehead to where his lips just were and whispered._

_"I love you so much more than you could ever know."_

_It took everything in the boy to let go of his deceased boyfriends hand. It took even more strength to turn and face his back to him. The second he left the room with his parents, he broke down. He squeezed Zacks waist and sobbed into his chest. Zack hugged him back._

Bill had his headphones plugged into his walkman, which was playing 'Why' by Rascal Flatts over and over again. He clutched a pillow tight in his arms as warm tears fell down the side of his cheeks into his hair and the pillow behind his head.

_You must've been in a place so dark, you couldn't feel the light reaching for you through that stormy cloud. Now here we are gathered in our little home town. This can't be the way you're meant to draw a crowd._

Bill squeezed his eyes shut.

_Oh why? That's what I keep asking. Was there anything I could've said or done? Oh I had no clue you were masking a trouble soul, god only knows what went wrong and why you'd leave the stage in the middle of a song._

He silently sobbed, not wanting his parents to come in. He felt empty. Broken. The pain of losing Stanley was like nothing he had ever felt before. It was like the loss of Georgie times a thousand.

_Now in my mind I keep you frozen as a seventeen year old, rounding third to score that winning run. You always played passion, no matter what the game and when you took the stage you shined just like the sun._

Bill's sobs became slightly audible.

_Oh why, that's what I keep asking. Was there anything I could've said or done? Oh, I had no clue you were masking a troubled soul, god only knows what went wrong and why'd you leave the stage in the middle of a song._

Bill clutched the pillow tighter and buried his face in the soft fabric.

_Now the oak trees are swaying in the early autumn breeze. The golden sun shining on my face. The tangled thoughts I hear, a mockingbird sing. This old world really ain't that a bad a place._

Even though it was a little thing, the world 'mockingbird' reminded him once again of Stanley. Stanley loved to watch birds. They would go birdwatching together. Stanley would describe every bird he saw with perfect detail and sometimes drop a few facts in the midst. Bill would sketch whatever Stanley was describing and in those moments it was if nothing mattered except the two boys. They would feel free and content even if it was for just a few hours. Those were the memories that seemed to hurt a Bill the most.

_Oh why, there's no comprehending and who am I to try to judge or explain. Oh, but I do have on burning question. Who told you life wasn't worth the fight? They were wrong, they lied and now you're gone and we cry. It's not like you to walk away in the middle of a song. A beautiful song. Your absolutely beautiful song._

He sat up to rewind the tape. Just as his shaking hands managed to open his walkman, there was a soft knock at this door.

"Y-y-yeah?" he spoke hoarsely.

The door creaked open and he slipped off his headphones.

"Hey sweetie," Sharon had a soft sympathetic smile plastered on her face, "Eddie is here."  
"Wh-what?"  
"He came to check on you. Can I send him up?"  
Bill wiped a few tears from his temples, "yeah."

Sharon walked away. Soon Eddie's small figure appeared in the doorway of his bedroom.

"Bill?"  
"Eddie," he managed a broken smile.

Bill pushed himself up off the bed, dropping the pillow on the floor. Even though he was taller than the small asthmatic, he wrapped his arms around his waist and buried his face in his shoulder. He sobbed quietly, but loud enough for Eddie to hear. Eddie softly rubbed his back. It was an awkward position because of their height, but Bill was grateful that Eddie had come to see him.

"I m-m-miss him s-s-so much," Bill sobbed.  
"It's okay," Eddie soothed, "I cant imagine what it was like for you, but I'm here for you Bill. I always will be."  
"Th-thanks Eddie."  
"Are you coming to the funeral tomorrow?" He said in a voice so soft only Bill would've been able to hear.

Bill didn't answer. The thought of a funeral for Stanley was too much. He just sobbed louder into Eddies shoulder. Eddie accepted it as an answer and hugged his weeping friend tighter.

Eddie stayed over that night. 

* * *

Bill stared at himself in the mirror. He was dressed in a black suit with a white under shirt. There was a black tie hanging from his neck tied in a Windsor knot. His hair was messy and his eyes were bloodshot. He wasn't sure how he was going to get through the day, but he knew he was going to have to.


	9. Chapter 9

(A/N): Before writing the last chapter, I googled about Jewish funerals. They usually have them the day after the person dies, but in this story I made them wait because I honestly didn't know how to write it. I also wrote this based on funerals in movies as I have never been to one. Hope that's okay with you guys. Also, Stanley's dad isn't a Rabbi in this universe.

* * *

Bills heart dropped when he heard the doors at the back of the room open. He stood as everyone else did. His eyes welled with tears when he noticed the coffin being carried by the six military soldiers. When they coffin was bought to the front, it was placed down and everyone sat. Bill was sitting in between Beverly and Mike. They were both holding his hands in an attempt to comfort him. He was grateful. One of the men opened the top half of the coffin to reveal Stanley. Mike and Beverly felt Bill tense.

"It's okay," Mike whispered softly.  
"Yeah, we're here," Beverly sadly smiled.

Bill let out a shaky breath as his eyes welled with tears. He relaxed his shoulders slightly. The synagogues Rabbi walked to the stand. He cleared his throat and began talking about the boy Bill loved. Bill zoned out and looked down. He zoned back in when Mike nudged him.

"What?" He whispered.  
"Would Bill Denbrough like to come up and say a few words?"

Bill took his hands from Mike's and Beverly's then headed up. He walked past the coffin and felt his stomach churn. He held back a sob and walked up to the microphone. He let out another shaky breath before he started speaking.

"Stanley and I spent a lot of time together. In fact, I was one of the last people who saw him alive," he wiped a tear and sniffed, "it's no secret that we were together. Scoff all you want, I don't care. Stanley and I shared a lot of firsts. First kiss, first boyfriend, first time," he glanced at Sharon, "he's my first love. I knew he was hurting, for quite a while. I helped him hide it from our friends and I tried to be there for him. I tried," he was now on the verge of sobbing, "and so did he. He tried to get through everything, but all it took was one last person to spit and glare at him for him to not be able to fight it anymore. I wasn't there for him enough and now he's gone. I love you so much Stanley, more than you could ever know."  
"Wow," Richie whispered to Eddie.  
"What?" He whispered back.  
"He didn't stutter once."

Bill stepped away from the stand and went back to his seat. He sat down and squeezed his eyes shut. The Rabbi started talking again, but Bill wasn't listening. He opened his eyes slowly and fixed them on the coffin. A memory he had tried to suppress filled his mind. The memory of the first time he found Stanley in the bathroom.

_"St-Stanley? I can hear y-y-you crying. Wh-wh-what's wrong?" He pressed his forehead to the bathroom door._  
_"Nothing," he sniffed, "can you please go?"_  
_"I'm c-c-coming in."_  
_"N-no! Please don't. I don't want you to see me like this."_

_Even though he protested, Bill opened the door. It took him a few moments to take in what he was seeing. There were razor blades scattered across the floor as if Stanley had dropped the box in an attempted to get one out. There were bottles of different pills next to the sink. A blade clutched in his right hand was covered in blood. Stanley's arm had about six deep cuts all the way up to the crook of his elbow. He looked away from the blood and into his boyfriends eyes. They were bloodshot as if he'd been crying for hours._

_"Bill," he sobbed out, "I told you not to come in."_  
_"Stan," he managed weakly._

_Bill walked over to his boyfriend and crouched down in front of him. He hugged him tight. Stanley buried his face in Bills shoulder. He sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He gripped Bills back tight. Bill was aware there was blood staining his sweater, but he didn't care. After Stanley's sobbed began to stifle, Bill pulled away. He cupped Stanley's face and placed a kiss on his forehead._

_"Why are you here?" He sniffed._  
_"Y-y-your dad called. H-h-he said y-you've been in h-here for a while and you w-w-weren't responding to h-him. He w-w-was worried."_  
_"Don't tell him about this, or any of the others, please."_

_Bill didn't want to agree, but he did for Stanley's sake. Bill slipped off his sweater and told Stanley to use it to apply pressure to his arm. He reluctantly obliged and Bill got up to look for bandages._

He didn't even realise, but tears were now falling down his cheeks. Bill was silently sobbing with Mike's arm around him. When the Rabbi stopped talking, Bill walked up to the open coffin.

"H-hey Stan," he spoke softly, "I'm g-g-gonna miss you."

For some reason he was waiting for Stanley to reply. When he didn't he felt a tinge of disappointment and a whole lot of pain.

"Thank you f-f-for the best few y-y-years of my life. I love you."

He wiped a few tears and let the next family member say their goodbyes.

When the service ended, Bill, Sharon, Zack, the Uris' and the losers all headed to a local graveyard. The eleven people surrounded a hole in the ground as the coffin was lowered. All the losers were in tears and the adults were trying holding the flood gates closed as much as they possibly could. Bill looked up at Donald.

"Come here," he said so softly only Bill heard.

Bill wrapped his arms around a Donald's wasn't and buried his face in his chest. Donald hugged his back and rubbed his back softly. Donald felt Bill start silently sobbing.

"It's okay...it's okay."

* * *

It had been four years since he lost Stanley. It was Christmas break at his college so he was home. Every year he had a big roast with Zack, Sharon and Donald. After Stanley's funeral, Andrea moved away and they never heard from her again. During the meal, Bill put his knife and fork on the table and cleared his throat. Everyone looked at him.

"I have s-something to tell you all," his stutter was better, but still affected him every once in a while.  
"What's up?" Zack asked.  
"I met someone at college."  
"That's great Bill, what's his name?" Donald asked with a smile.  
"Her name is Audra, but she's the first person I've met since St-Stan and I don't want to move on from him."  
"It's what he would've wanted," Sharon grabbed Bill's hand, "he wanted you to be happy."  
"I still think about h-him every day and sometimes I can still feel him. It sounds crazy I know, but I'll b-be doing something like cleaning my dorm and I'll j-j-just feel his arms wrap around me," he started tearing up, "but I know he's not there. I-it's like some kind of sick joke and I don't know what's wrong with me or why it won't g-go away."  
"There's nothing wrong with you," Donald spoke, "you miss him and I think Audra will be good for you. I'm not saying you have to forget Stanley or you should force yourself into this, but letting yourself get close to another person might help you get rid of this thing you keep feeling."  
"Thanks Donald, it means a lot."

Donald, Sharon and Zack resumes to eating, but Bill didn't. He looked down and rolled the bottom of his sweater sleeve up to reveal a small bird tattooed on his forearm. He smiled and then rubbed his thumb over the small writing next to the tattoo.

_I love you so much more than you could ever know_

* * *

(A/N): yup that's it. Thank you for following this story! If you would like me to write a sequel, let me know!


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